The Art of Rejection

by Lindsey Coleman

As of today, I have my master’s degree in music…so now what? At the beginning of the school year, I thought that I would have a “now what” already in line, with a fresh list of places to audition in my hand and a well recorded CD to send, and the attitude that surely I would get in to at least ONE program to which I was applying. How wrong I was. After a successful preliminary round, I spent a small fortune flying around the country and being curtly rejected from each program, my panic growing thicker with each cut. By the last audition, my self-assured attitude that I would get in somewhere was nowhere to be seen, and I just prayed that I wouldn’t completely botch the gig so that perhaps when I got rejected (when, not if) I could at least audition again when I was older and hopefully better. Granted, I am not known for my upbeat optimism, but this point in my life was an all-time low for self-esteem and for vocal security. Other people were going through this same process and they were having luck, so why wasn’t I? I wasn’t sure why I was not good enough for these programs- I had experienced wonderful and terrible auditions, and been rejected after both types- but I did know that there was something that wasn’t good enough. The last audition occurred, which was actually quite good, but again I was dismissed. In the hotel that night I ran on the treadmill trying to exercise away my demons, but even with “the eye of the tiger” trying to work its magic on my ears, my lips quivered and tears slowly ran down my face. I was broken.

As I discussed the looming possibilities of the future with my father, he said something along the lines of, “you are really brave for choosing a field where you really have to fight to get a job more than others; I took the easy way out, I went to med school so I knew I would have a job at the end.” Now, modesty aside (obviously Medical school is not exactly the EASY way out), my father has a point. Any arts related field is particularly competitive, and the audition process would take a toll on even Narcissus’s self esteem eventually, since the subjectivity of the matter can be maddening. Your dress is kind of weird? Not cast. You sort of look like an ex that broke the director’s heart ten years ago? Not cast. Your voice decides to take a holiday on the high note? Well, this one isn’t as subjective, but still, NOT CAST. It does have to do with the voice, but there are so many other factors that come into play as well, and when your instrument is in your body, and therefore is subjected to the many changes that happen within, you never truly know what the sound will be like on any given day, especially if you are young. We, as singers, don’t have the luxury of having something tangible to set aside or put in its case when we are having an “off day.” We carry our instrument with us at all times, when it is a burden or a blessing.

The other problem with being a singer, and more importantly an opera singer, is that age is a big factor. Unlike many professions where the young, fresh out of college business majors can take an industry by storm with their fully updated scope of knowledge, we as singers must wait for our voices to catch up with our ambitions. This is where I am now. I am twenty-four years old, and though I am good for my age, there are twenty-four year olds with significantly more developed voices, and after that there are 27-30 year olds with even more developed voices because they are 27-30, and after that there are people who have waited and are at their peak vocally. The problem is by the time people are supposed to be having their mid-life crisis, an opera singer is just starting to realize that he or she does not have the chops to make it in this cruel world. So then what? Go back to school? Pick a different career? Marry a rich man that thinks you are good at singing? It is so hard, because when you have to be as dedicated to a field as you have to be to singing to succeed, your other talents go by the wayside, and if you don’t make it you are stuck in a “now what?” position, just as I am now, but so much worse.

The question is this: Is all this rejection and suffering and emotional up and down worth it? Well, that depends on the singer. Going back to my state of mind after my last audition, I was not sure if it was. I had spent six consecutive years of higher-level education to reach the point of my masters, working diligently towards the goal of being an opera singer, and all of the sudden, I had no plan – no direction.  My momentum was being forced to a halt and I was left in a place to examine whether or not the career path I had chosen had been the right decision. This is probably the scariest place you can be as a singer, but it is also one of the most liberating, if you let it be. When you are not in a whirlwind of audition or success, you have the moments to decide what is important, and whether singing really falls on that list. For me, I had a good solid two or three weeks of depression and doubt, and then I snapped out of it. I knew that no matter what adversity I might face in the subjective and often harsh world of singing, a world with no singing or performing at all would be far worse. So here I am, wounds still fresh from the sting of rejection, deciding how to spend this time where I am not in a direct path to opera. Although I often joke that I will be working at McDonald’s since, seriously, “what do you do with a masters in music?” I also know that I have this time to better myself as a singer and a person and make myself that much stronger for the next round of auditions. As the lovely and talented pianist Karen Stoody said to me, I am currently experiencing one of life’s great “fermatas.” The music has come to a pause for now, but I am confident that when the time is right, the maestro will lift his hands, and I will be on my way again.
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Lindsey Coleman, soprano, recently earned her Master of Music from Colorado State University.  She completed her undergraduate work at Chapman University in Orange, California.  Her operatic roles include Nella in Gianni Schicchi, Rose in Street Scene, Clorinde in La Cenerentola, Pamina in Die Zauberflote, Roselinde in Die Fledermaus.  She has also performed the role in Inez in Il Trovatore while a member of the Opera Fort Collins Apprentice Artist.